I wondered
Saturday, August 16, 2008 at 08:30PM His liquid gray blue eyes occasionally opened to look at me, searching, finding some reassurance in my close proximity. I held on to his arm preventing it from falling to the floor as he occasionally dozed off swimming in Versed dreams. The sedative had successfully calmed him down. He occasionally reached out to touch my hand. I watched him closely, his lashes gracefully fluttering in his restless sleep. I watched his breathing and listened to the steady beeping of the monitor as it announced his heart’s strong desire to live. How many beats does it have left, I wondered. He’s so young. Twenty. A life barely lived.
Last night, he was out late again, partying with friends. He was intoxicated, high on cocaine, marijuana, and oxycontin. It’s just another night out of seven years since he started using drugs. Except that it wasn’t just another night. Last night, he remembered getting in the shower, woke up lying on the tub unable to move his legs and felt numb from the mid-chest down to his toes. His arms worked, but the sensation in them was dulled. His left hand barely able to grasp mine. I see the panic in his eyes, his anxiety escalating.
I wondered what my life would be like if I followed the same path he’s walking. I wondered what his life would be like if he never discovered drugs. As I held his hand giving him as much reassurance and comfort I could give him in the time I had to care for him, I wondered if he would ever walk again. I imagined that he must have a beautiful smile and an engaging laugh and I wondered if anyone will be fortunate enough to see those in the coming days.
I watched his eyelids flutter, his long eyelashes dancing as they met and my heart felt heavy wondering about his life barely lived, his potential unattained, the possibility of a life spent in wheelchairs or in long-term care dependent on others to live. I relinquished care to the ICU nurse and bade him good luck. He held onto my hand and thanked me. I left his room and as the elevator doors closed and the lifting mechanisms started their steady whirring, I stood silent and wondered. . .
Reader Comments (3)
Hey Ruthie ... Love this blog because I sometimes find myself in situations where there are more questions that pop in my mind than the answers I find. This happens specially when I try so freaking hard to do what is right in life and then I turn around and I see someone just wasting life away. But then again, when someone else who gotten way ahead of me in life would think that I am wasting life away, at least, in her opinion. Oh well .... C'est la vie, my friend.
If you have time, there's " California" to read in my blog site.
Mrissa
Wow...I finally took a moment to read "one" of your "blogs"...well actually I read two...and I am shockingly surprised, of how moved I am by the depth of your thoughts, and experiences... One is taken to a deep place, where you search your soul to relate to an
outcome you'll never know.... You are truly blessed with a gift...
Thank you, Suzy! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. Unfortunately, learning the outcomes of what we do is rare, at least, not for the long term. And, yes, I wonder quite a bit . . . and always pray for the best.