Before dawn comes

It is the wee hours of the morning.

Not too much longer now and the dawn will break.

The sun will stream through the thin slits of the overlapping window blinds.

I have lain awake for hours, sometimes with eyes closed, sometimes staring into the darkness.

Sometimes, I stare at the little blue light of my computer and, in a fugue, wonder what cyberdreams are swimming in its memory.

Random thoughts, memories, feelings, images, and sounds occur in flashes in my brain – some remain to be recognizable, some flit in and out giving a vague familiarity but not certainty of what they are.

In this lonely hour, I chase after you.

I wish for you.

I long for you to engulf me.

Take me somewhere and out of this reality even just for a short while.

Surround me and take me into intangible darkness and let my corporeal self melt into you and make me ethereal.

The harder I chase after you, the more elusive you are.

Aaah!! This is madness!

The thoughts that run through my head are making me sad somehow.

Or perhaps lonely.

Or are they just the manifestations of the release of chemicals and firing of neurons that have reached a point beyond exhaustion?

I sigh with surrender.

Please, I beg you!

Take me before dawn comes.

Why are you so elusive?

Please, Mr. Sandman, sprinkle your dust on me . . .

Sleep . . . come take me . . .

Serenity

I watch the blinking lights of an airplane in the very far distance as it makes an approach to a runway that is hidden by the dark outline of trees and buildings dotted with pinpoint lights. I watch the soft glimmer of lights on boats that are out at sea.

The night is punctuated with sounds that lend serenity to a moment that I can capture so perfectly only in my mind. The whispering sound of water moving is broken occasionally by the crashing of waves on the rocks below.

I watch as the waves batter the rocks and create large tendrils of white droplets that jump in the air; then creating white foam that surround the rocks ,gently caressing them, then flowing back softly, slowly.

The night is cool with just the perfect amount of humidity. The ambiance is soothing, soft, mellow . . .
The night is lit by the soft glow of candles and the dancing flames of the tiki torches from the restaurant next door.

I pick up my wine glass and let the smell daze me for a second, then I take a sip slowly savoring the flavors that roll around my taste buds.

The smell of the ocean bathes my senses and I close my eyes for a few moments - listening, smelling, feeling . . .

My whole being feels cleansed . . . my soul purified . . . I feel in harmony with the world, this world . . .

This is God’s perfection and I am blessed to be in it.

Dreams of home

It is 3 am. I wake up in the darkness, prop up on my elbows, and look around. Slowly, the outline of the lamp in the corner focuses in the dim light. The square dark features of the television with its dark glass stare back at me. I lay back down. The lazy spinning of the fan blades mesmerize me. I notice how the gentle breeze from the fan is making the blinds of the sliding glass door rhythmically ripple and it reminds me of ocean waves. I watch for a few minutes picturing white foam in my head.

The night is quiet save the chirping of crickets outside. I close my eyes to listen. Minutes later, I hear the gentle fall of rain on the grass outside. There is something so serene about that sound. The soft pattering, a susuration in the air. I let the sounds of the early morning whisper to me. The sounds, I hope, would lull me back to sleep. Listening, I tried to picture ocean waves crashing onto white sand . . .

Instead, images of golden brown stalks in my grandmother's rice fields emerge in the random firing of my brain cells. Slowly, timelessly, I am transported to a past that was so long ago and yet feels like yesterday.

I am sitting on the side of a mountain overlooking fields of rice stalks. They are gravid and are awaiting harvesting. A gentle breeze caresses them and their swaying creates waves of gold. The enchantment that holds me as I watch is enhanced by the susurious sound they make as they dance and touch with the breeze. The sun peaks through the smattering of clouds creating shadows that seem to dance in rhythm with them. The hypnotizing sounds stir something so powerful inside.

I open my eyes and am thrust back in to the darkness of my bedroom. My chest feels heavy. I am filled with the powerful pull of longing. The images I now see are of loved ones so far away. The loneliness of the moment falls heavy on me threatening to crush me with its jaws. I turn on my side and feel the pillow wet with my tears. I close my eyes again and let the darkness envelope me. I hear the rain again.

As I drift off to sleep, I try to think of rainbows and pray for the bright morning rays of sunshine to wake me up and banish the darkness that I now feel.

25 (or so) random things about me

 1.

1. I was born and raised in the mountains of the Philippines but my first language was English until I was 3 when my grandmother taught me a tribal dialect.

2. I planted and harvested rice in leech-infested rice paddies with my maternal grandparents when I was younger, but I was rewarded with the best fruits and vegetables fresh my grandmother’s farm and I was allowed to climb all the fruit trees. I also got a ride home on our water buffalo.

3. I still climb trees and rocks to this day when I go hiking. I have fallen off several of them. I have a collection of scars, but fortunately, no broken bones.

4. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, in 3 seconds flat.

5. I have a nursing license in 25 different states, including Hawai’i. I lived and worked in most of them.

6. I experienced being pampered by a private chef, a personal limo driver, flown around in a Gulfstream, and given access to yachts; but I also lived in areas with no electricity, no running water, and slept on dirt floor. I prefer the latter. It reminds me of my roots, my childhood dreams, and keeps me humble; although it keeps me working for that daily dollar.

7. I love the ambience, the smell, the feel of old bookstores. I am transported to another world and I become lost.

8. I have traveled cross-country from corner to corner of the US – from the tip of Washington State to the Mexican border of San Diego to the ocean end of Key West to the mountain ranges of New Hampshire and many states in between. I would like to make it to the Canadian border of Maine one day.

9. My childhood goal was to become a pediatrician (I learned this word when I was 8), but I am eternally grateful to have become a nurse. I love my job!!!

10. I was a severe asthmatic when I was a child and nearly died twice. Every year of my life from the time I was six to the time I was 12, I spent a week to two months in the hospital. When I was nine, I told a nurse where to put my IV, how to adjust my oxygen mask, and when I can see visitors.

11. When I was ten, I used to skip school to smoke stolen cigarettes, drink pilfered vodka, get into fist fights with some boys, and I even had a girlfriend. I would like to think I have evolved since then.

12. I love platform shoes, platform heels, and mini-skirts.

13. I have been blessed with a good life and a close, loving, and supportive family. My parents are my heroes. I won the parents lottery!!!

14. I believe that every relationship (professional, friendly, romantic) must begin with a foundation of trust and honesty and solid communication without which the relationship would fail eventually.

15. I have the best friends one could ever pray for. They keep me grounded and they never let me keep a secret but they will keep mine without question. And they are always very honest with me even when I don’t want them to be.

16. I believe that, to have and keep a healthy and happy relationship with everyone close to us, we must first be happy and content with ourselves and where we are in our world.

17. I believe that a happy, positive attitude attracts the same. Our friends are a reflection of who we are. I believe what business philosopher Jim Rohn said, that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

18. I still wonder how I am able to get in a helicopter, take care of critically sick people, understand my job, and write up a complex patient chart when I constantly lose my keys and trip over my own feet.

19. I love traveling and having adventures with my sister. It’s great to have such a wonderful friend related to me. We have so much fun together. Our last fight was in 1996. We’ve never been closer since.

20. I am amazed at how wonderful and beautiful the world is and I have been blessed to have met very good people throughout my life who have enhanced, enlightened, and enchanted my lived experiences. Thank you to all of you.

21. No matter how many times I take the Myers-Briggs test, I always end up as an ENFP. Go figure.

22. Never give me caffeine or sugar and always feed me when I say I’m hungry. This is if you value your sanity.

23. I love stories about dragons, pixies, trolls, elves, and childhood fantasy creatures. I want to own a real magic wand like Harry Potter’s.

24. I believe in necessary evil but I wouldn’t want that job.

25. If I was given the choice to do my life over, I wouldn’t change a thing except that I would age very, very slowly so I would still look like I do now when I turn 70.

Kenji - In Memoriam

What I remember most about you is how well you listened. How much you paid attention. You had a way of sitting so silently... When we first met, you seemed like you were in some other reality that I was never sure if you even heard me; but at unexpected moments, you’d ask a question that always threw me. It would be some detail about my story that you’d ask about to clarify a point. It was maddening but so endearing. Amazingly enough, every time I talked to you, I always felt that I was the center of your attention. You were very good at that.

You paid attention. That was something so unique about you. I came home after work one morning and was so wonderfully surprised with flowers and rose petals scattered around the apartment. Apparently, during one of my ranting days, I told you that I would love to go home after such a hard shift at the hospital and smell flowers. I didn’t remember saying that but you did and you made it happen.

I remember that day we sat at the top of Black Mountain waiting for the sun to set over the ocean. It was a beautiful day and Morro Rock solidly graced the bay. You were lying on the grass looking up at the sky. You said, “’the sky’s the limit’ really isn’t that hard to reach, you know. If you work hard enough and learn how to make a rocket, you can make it there.” That statement epitomized everything that is you. Motivated, driven, focused, unstoppable.

Yes, I remember. I remember the wonderful times we’ve had. They are memories that are both sweet and painful. The memories flood my whole being now like it was just yesterday and you are still there. I am waiting for someone to say that there has been a terrible mistake.

I am most blessed to have met you. You enhanced my life in countless ways. Our hearts were one once. My heart will always have you in it.

Diamond Rio Lyrics
I Believe Lyrics